Much Love

Even with everthing thats going on, I still find love in this world. Many, many times. Truly blessed.

If I Were

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be God
looking down
looking upon
this world he's so devoted to.
Because he looks through all the prayers
and has to listen to all the pleases
but then waits even longer for the "Thank Yous"
I ponder
these thoughts

Keep It Holy

It's been a week since I found out, I deserve a day of rest.

Emotions are running high, things need fixing that can't be fixed....I have to give it to God. I have to give myself a day of rest.

Let it rest.

Charming?

So; everyone tells me it's a bad idea, but I am kind of the "Queen" of bad ideas. I am totally okay for taking resposibility for the high number of errors in my past. Yeah...it's a high number. I think I stopped counting after the age of 10. Because lets face it the only thing I got in trouble for before the double digits set in, was for being an original child. In fact most of my friends mothers remember me some-what foundly...one in particular will always remind me of how I would climb on her counter and go looking for food, because I was hungry and she wasn't in the kitchen. I thought I was being nice for "NOT" getting her. My bad, but it made perfect sense in my mind.

Basically what I am trying to get at is, I am human. I am not superman...although it would be awesome to fly...and I am not a man (obviously). A lot of times my ex would lament over when a situation is placed in front of me "good and bad"; I choose bad.....because... well, it seems interesting.

Because...well....it's never boring. At least I hope it doesn't become boring.

Self-Portrait for Today-

Is the picture above. If you haven't noticed, I love love love love trees. In my opinion, they define God and our faith life. God is the tree, stable, long lasting remaining faithful strong in his roots. Our faith is like the leaves, changing constantly...sometimes we are in full bloom, sometimes we fall and stray away....but we always can be re-newed. We can always grow again once we have found the warmth , light and water. And in the picture the tree behind the fence is like my heart. and the fence is like my ribs....protecting. It is well-guarded.....for the man in my heart is God and he protects me....like an old friend used to say..."I am like a guard dog bearing his teeth". Smart Friend.

Right Where I Started.

I guess

I'm back

where I started.

Still in shock, I feel a little bit scattered, but it's okay. I guess that how it's supposed to feel.

Death

Death

peaceful, home, and difficult.

painful.

Life

Sometimes full

sometimes too many things in the picture

or sometimes we feel

alone.

That is life. Unpredictable.

Self- Portrait 4/24/09- Pieces, I am In Pieces.

Sometimes we just feel this way...pieced apart, with lots of emotions, hoeful, sad, angry. peaceful...all at the same time.

Self-Portrait Day 2 - Shades of Blue Shoes

I decided to think back before I recieved the news, so I took a trip and walked in my own shoes.

Self-Portrait Day 1 - Shades of Purple Tears

I decided to document not only my "writable" feelings on what is happening, but also my emotional status through a lens. Because even though I am 2,000 miles away...it still effects each and every day here on out. Today she talked of how another doctor agreed on what the right treatment for this is....

Well suprise! She still has it... and Chemo is still the choice of venom.

She sounds so cheerful on the phone, so sure of herself and the cards played. While in true 20 year old mind-set...I refuse to believe the reality, and so I layed my head back onto the grass, cryed behind my sunglasses and slept. Because it was all I could do. It's all I can do. I can't fix it...I can't stop, I can only wait.

"I'm that single little cloud

on a sunny day

just floatin along

ruining the perfect blue skies."

(new song I am working on)

I'm all Shades of Purple right now.

They Say It Happens Like this, But I Refused To Believe It.

She visited last month and when she hugged me goodbye, I can't quite fully explain what happened.
I cryed, I didn't just cry; I bawled and the tears could have watered Egypt. I just hugged her under Orange County's perfect sunny weather...and cryed like clouds were in the sky. Afterwards, we parted and my parents walked to their 96' Chevy Suberban and took off for the Great Lakes. I had never let loose such emotions saying bye to her before, maybe my body knew before I did that something was to happen...and it was warning me to prepare myself.

Cancer!

Cancer?

Cancer.....

Even saying it three times over doesn't bring it to reality. It happens to everyone else...you say the words, "Thats sucks, gosh I am so sorry". In fact I remember saying them and not fully understanding the weight of such words. Such words really have no meaning...because it doesn't change the facts, and it doesn't magically erase the damage. It doesn't take away the apparent and real fact that we have to face. On the outside for this whole time she felt fine, happy and healthy...but 24 hours later we get snapshots of the greater picture. Inside of her she has something thats well, "not very nice". This visitor didn't ask politely to come in and discuss this...like the cold that leads to the flu; common curtosy. It's an intrudor, and he is hiding in closet waiting for us to come home. Just waiting.

I think my body knew before I really did. Mom, If your reading this ->because I know you are...you little online stalker you ; )

Mom, I love you....and I want to get you a blonde Farrah wig.

Okay Okay,

I went too far. Again.

How about something curly? and long.




so fight the good fight.

bring it on.

set me

free

lets go to the woods, lots and lots of greenery

lets be set free

in areas where our hands have not touched

set free.

Lighting Fires

I felt this burning sensation when I drove down south the 5 freeway, even when it was only 60 degrees outside. I itched and could feel fire grasping my left arm. However the rest of me was ice cold...like how everyone else must have felt in their cars. I guess it could have been a fever...but there was such a rush to it, I was feverishly seeking this fire I had lighted. When did I make the kindling that helps ground such a powerful and magnificent force.

Wait; make?

I am the Match...I was intrigued. God was the kindling...the starting ground.

Seek self growth.

Light fires.