A little song for thought--

"Stars shinin' bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Bird singin' in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me

Say "nightie night" and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on, dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longin' to linger 'til dawn, dear
Just sayin' this...

Sweet dreams 'til sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me"

The Morning Where there Was No Coffee...and a tiara?!?

I go to school

I work two jobs

I micro-manage a life in the career-less.

I'm slightly penny-less and my stress level...well I don't think it's in a "level' anymore

Last night I didn't get out of work until 1:30 am and then my head didn't see a pillow until 4:00 am. I think sometimes Forever21 will literally have me...Forever. However last night my manager made me wear a tiara for the first two hours. Which honestly if you knew me...a tiara isn't funny and it definately doesn't fit that whole "Tortured Artist" persona that I can help but emulate and be the poster child of. Well I can't help it...my mom almost died and I have had more traumatic incidents in the past year than I could have ever imagined when I was 17 speaking in front of my peers saying I was "okay" I got through the worst of it. Anyways...the tiara. I think believing in fairy tales...is nice, I mean the best thing in my life is my real prince charming (boyfriend), so I can't say I am against the fairy-tale notion. However, what I don't like is when we carry this fable of the "lady in distress" and that he will come and save us. I believe as women we should know first how to save ourselves before putting all our hopes, dreams and future's into the hands of a man that may never come. Also I am completely against the material world -- which I know is a complete contradiction living in Los Angeles because on the surface L.A. is known for being completely commercialized. Which is kind of why I felt mocked when my manager made me wear a tiara at work. Seeing as I am quite notorious for not dressing up or being the most fashion forward in the store. Anyways-- my point-- I felt mocked. It wasn't okay.

It's kind of amazing.

My mother used to always tell me growing up whenever I had problems fitting in socially this one little phrase but tweak it slightly to fit my age.

So, in middle school it was "Katy, it's okay... you were meant for high school... you will have so much fun in high school these years are rough for everyone so just wait until high school, you'll see"

Then came high school-- that was slightly better, but still her advice "Katy you are going to thrive in college, just get through high school , your going to have so much fun in college"

do you see a pattern? because it's still continuing and I'm in my second college.

A. B. C.

Love,

///The Awkward Turtle///

Where have you been my Love?

Answer: "Dying among the city of angels"

It's cliche to say "I'm back" and more fierce then before, but in some regard that is far from true. There's this whole theory that you starve for your art, but I think I've become ravanous for it. Only to be stood up for the likes of other's opinions, ramblings and pity. However, I know once the image, the moment, the feeling and the angst that I had once sewn into my womb was now released; adoptions sprouting everywhere.

oh art, where have you been my love?

L.O.V.E. love.

I can't lie.
I fell in love.

and for once I have no words.
we.just.are.

Yearly Memories

My earliest memory is when I was 3 and my parents to me to a small orange building that used to be off Saginaw. It was where I first met Mr. Wilson. The man that helped me be able to live a some what normal life. I remember standing inbetween my parents while he gave me a hive five and I laughed then clung to my mom's leg. Every once in a while I remember that day... I remember how painful it all was. I remember the amount of time and effort my parents invested in those first years for me. The trips to my dad's work....the therapy, and the headphones. How much "Part of your World" from "the little mermaid"....had more meaning than I could grasp then. But that memory of the first meeting with him. Priceless. Thats the biggest shift in my life....yet I don't remember most of it.

Unfortunately Mr. Wilson died when I was 12. Car Accident...

I forget that this gift I was given...shouldn't be wasted. Though sometimes I forget that....so they are yearly memories.

Over A Year Now

I moved to L.A over a year ago. Since it stays over 60 degrees year round it hard to remember the months now a days...or even the seasons.

To be honest....sometimes it feels like I have done nothing for a year. Even though I have done some pretty cool things. Like - I couldn't stop loved ones from getting sick....and I didn't get a degree in anything. However - I grew into myself....and I think thats the most important thing.

I have learned that the people that still call even though they haven't seen your face in months...are truly your best friends....the miles inbetween makes no difference to them. I also find that the people in this city that cling to their insecurities and never follow through on anything...well they're search for fame and possible friendships are limited. I think the hardest part about being in L.A. is finding people that arn't just here for themselves. So many people want the spotlight....but the question is "for what?" If you seek the attention just to "express yourself" it seems undeserving...because what you should be seeking is change. Whatever the cause may be...but something that really grabs not your attention...but others. Friendships here have really opened my eyes....showing me some really dark places to people and what I could become if I let myself become that selfish. It's also shown me that sometimes people only want to be friends with you for the " I'll scratch your back if you scratch my back" mentaility. Not something to base a solid relationship on.

The other issue I have had...is boys. I had been dating this guy.....but the issue was that he can't commit to anything and he only wanted to be there....when it was convienant for him.
Dear Boy-
Unfortunately; Dear, there are two people in this tango....and it doesn't matter how macho or manly you try to live up to be...you fail miserably when it comes to classy women like myself. Because what makes a Man from a Boy is how he treats people. A woman is not always there when "your" ready...sometimes I wanted to be with you and your response was to not pick up the phone and then blame it on the fact that you only check your voicemail once a week and that you would love it if we had some pizza tonight.....ahem....you called me at 11 at night and you expect me to change my clothes and be with you? I don't think so.

yeah - try again asshole. with another woman, cause this one's gone.

But besides those minor details....L.A. is one fabulous place to be....it's one city where truly the harder your work at something you will see results. Also it truly does show a persons true colors.

Much Love.

Katy

Katy Kettles Dreams Wide Awake

I started reading this book called "Wide Awake" by Erwin McManus (who also happens to be the pastor of the church I got to). This was a good book to pick up because the first thing it points out is a person's dreams. I then had to ask myself a good question - "Katy, what is your dream and are you doing everything in your power to accomplish that dream so that way you wont be just another unfullfilled person".

Well, my dream now is a little different. People have now seen me been a model for Torrid...thats great and it's a cool thing to say about myself, but it's merely just a stepping stone for me. People have seen me be a counselor, that was great and I loved being there for my campers, but that to me (as well) was merely a stepping stone to show myself that a leader is inside of me. A long time ago people saw me act on a stage, all these things add up. Also on occassion you may have been one of the rare to see me sing solo...that too also adds up in this whole dream.

My dream is simply to be known, so that way I can have an impact on the world. I don't mean fame or fortune, but known for the kind of art I decide to color this world with in that moment. In my opinion God has blessed me with many challenging life stories and from these I choose to channel them in either a painting, a short story/poem, a photograph, a song or even acting in a film or play that I feel has something that would speak to an individual.

I want to make an impact, a dent in this world. How ever which way God sends me to do that...thats his decision. After a while I just learned I can't fight his winds...I fall over too easily so I might as well go with it.

The way I get to this end goal is by (as Erwin calls it) being the explorer. I am always going out on auditions, talking with photographers, painting pictures, and writing. Doing all the things I am suppossed to be doing. I seek the opportunitys that are just waiting for me. Sometimes they come from the most random of places, but the key point is that I always have an opportunity to grow. Right now for example I am working on a painting for Erwin's church that will be a part of their "Hope In The City" gallary and will be auctioned off. Pretty cool.

Sometimes I know I come off as a free-spirit and about 99% of the time I like knowing whats not going to happen next...I am kind of a thrill seeker. (Let's remember I moved to a city without even seeing it first and my main reason was because I was cold - yeah) But this is pretty awesome, because for once i actually had to pause and think about what all these mediums I work with...what goal am I actually going forth to....one that makes all the zany things I do or say make sense.

God makes sense, Making an impact on this world through God's hand on me makes even more sense.

I like knowing. Knowing is powerful.

Here's a few passages from Erwins book that I like,

"Life is not a color by the lines project; life is a work of art.you have to keep mixing colors, creating new blends,and seeing things in fresh ways.You must be willing to get paint ALL OVER YOU.Life is about growth.Growth demands change.Change requires humility.Sometimes you need to bring change;sometimes you need to be changed."


"If your going to create the life of your dreams, you're going to need to dream big so you can live big. Your life will never become what you do not dare to imagine. You will not become everything you dream of, but you'll never become anything you don't dream of."

" I have come to a place where I simply think of every human being as pre-great. Whether in poverty or wealth, whether educated formally or informally, whether from the Americas or Africa or Austrailia, I have found the same result -- People are the most underused and undervalued resource on this planet. Earth's unlimited resource is the gifts, talent, passion, imagination, and ingenuity or it's citizens."

: ) I Dream Wide Awake. Do you?

Much Love

Even with everthing thats going on, I still find love in this world. Many, many times. Truly blessed.

If I Were

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be God
looking down
looking upon
this world he's so devoted to.
Because he looks through all the prayers
and has to listen to all the pleases
but then waits even longer for the "Thank Yous"
I ponder
these thoughts

Keep It Holy

It's been a week since I found out, I deserve a day of rest.

Emotions are running high, things need fixing that can't be fixed....I have to give it to God. I have to give myself a day of rest.

Let it rest.

Charming?

So; everyone tells me it's a bad idea, but I am kind of the "Queen" of bad ideas. I am totally okay for taking resposibility for the high number of errors in my past. Yeah...it's a high number. I think I stopped counting after the age of 10. Because lets face it the only thing I got in trouble for before the double digits set in, was for being an original child. In fact most of my friends mothers remember me some-what foundly...one in particular will always remind me of how I would climb on her counter and go looking for food, because I was hungry and she wasn't in the kitchen. I thought I was being nice for "NOT" getting her. My bad, but it made perfect sense in my mind.

Basically what I am trying to get at is, I am human. I am not superman...although it would be awesome to fly...and I am not a man (obviously). A lot of times my ex would lament over when a situation is placed in front of me "good and bad"; I choose bad.....because... well, it seems interesting.

Because...well....it's never boring. At least I hope it doesn't become boring.

Self-Portrait for Today-

Is the picture above. If you haven't noticed, I love love love love trees. In my opinion, they define God and our faith life. God is the tree, stable, long lasting remaining faithful strong in his roots. Our faith is like the leaves, changing constantly...sometimes we are in full bloom, sometimes we fall and stray away....but we always can be re-newed. We can always grow again once we have found the warmth , light and water. And in the picture the tree behind the fence is like my heart. and the fence is like my ribs....protecting. It is well-guarded.....for the man in my heart is God and he protects me....like an old friend used to say..."I am like a guard dog bearing his teeth". Smart Friend.

Right Where I Started.

I guess

I'm back

where I started.

Still in shock, I feel a little bit scattered, but it's okay. I guess that how it's supposed to feel.

Death

Death

peaceful, home, and difficult.

painful.

Life

Sometimes full

sometimes too many things in the picture

or sometimes we feel

alone.

That is life. Unpredictable.

Self- Portrait 4/24/09- Pieces, I am In Pieces.

Sometimes we just feel this way...pieced apart, with lots of emotions, hoeful, sad, angry. peaceful...all at the same time.

Self-Portrait Day 2 - Shades of Blue Shoes

I decided to think back before I recieved the news, so I took a trip and walked in my own shoes.

Self-Portrait Day 1 - Shades of Purple Tears

I decided to document not only my "writable" feelings on what is happening, but also my emotional status through a lens. Because even though I am 2,000 miles away...it still effects each and every day here on out. Today she talked of how another doctor agreed on what the right treatment for this is....

Well suprise! She still has it... and Chemo is still the choice of venom.

She sounds so cheerful on the phone, so sure of herself and the cards played. While in true 20 year old mind-set...I refuse to believe the reality, and so I layed my head back onto the grass, cryed behind my sunglasses and slept. Because it was all I could do. It's all I can do. I can't fix it...I can't stop, I can only wait.

"I'm that single little cloud

on a sunny day

just floatin along

ruining the perfect blue skies."

(new song I am working on)

I'm all Shades of Purple right now.

They Say It Happens Like this, But I Refused To Believe It.

She visited last month and when she hugged me goodbye, I can't quite fully explain what happened.
I cryed, I didn't just cry; I bawled and the tears could have watered Egypt. I just hugged her under Orange County's perfect sunny weather...and cryed like clouds were in the sky. Afterwards, we parted and my parents walked to their 96' Chevy Suberban and took off for the Great Lakes. I had never let loose such emotions saying bye to her before, maybe my body knew before I did that something was to happen...and it was warning me to prepare myself.

Cancer!

Cancer?

Cancer.....

Even saying it three times over doesn't bring it to reality. It happens to everyone else...you say the words, "Thats sucks, gosh I am so sorry". In fact I remember saying them and not fully understanding the weight of such words. Such words really have no meaning...because it doesn't change the facts, and it doesn't magically erase the damage. It doesn't take away the apparent and real fact that we have to face. On the outside for this whole time she felt fine, happy and healthy...but 24 hours later we get snapshots of the greater picture. Inside of her she has something thats well, "not very nice". This visitor didn't ask politely to come in and discuss this...like the cold that leads to the flu; common curtosy. It's an intrudor, and he is hiding in closet waiting for us to come home. Just waiting.

I think my body knew before I really did. Mom, If your reading this ->because I know you are...you little online stalker you ; )

Mom, I love you....and I want to get you a blonde Farrah wig.

Okay Okay,

I went too far. Again.

How about something curly? and long.




so fight the good fight.

bring it on.

set me

free

lets go to the woods, lots and lots of greenery

lets be set free

in areas where our hands have not touched

set free.

Lighting Fires

I felt this burning sensation when I drove down south the 5 freeway, even when it was only 60 degrees outside. I itched and could feel fire grasping my left arm. However the rest of me was ice cold...like how everyone else must have felt in their cars. I guess it could have been a fever...but there was such a rush to it, I was feverishly seeking this fire I had lighted. When did I make the kindling that helps ground such a powerful and magnificent force.

Wait; make?

I am the Match...I was intrigued. God was the kindling...the starting ground.

Seek self growth.

Light fires.